


don't let them see you bleed

by sarcasmaddiction



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 era phan, Angst, Blood, Depression, M/M, Scars, Self-Harm, Slightly fluffy?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:34:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26147254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasmaddiction/pseuds/sarcasmaddiction
Summary: There’s only one reason why Dan would have scars like this.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 7
Kudos: 45





	don't let them see you bleed

**Author's Note:**

> please heed tags! this fic contains graphic descriptions of self harming!

They’re small, and discreet, and now without the urgency of what they were doing before Phil sees the scattering of thin white scars that litter Dan's upper thigh and onto his hips. Perfectly placed to be hidden by Dan's underwear.

Phil can’t believe that he missed them before and mentally scolds himself for being so unobservant. He’s never really seen so many scars like this, they’re uniform in a way that can’t be accidental, all layered on top of each other, and deep, they look deep.

There’s only one reason why Dan would have scars like this.

He can’t even begin to imagine Dan in pain, in so much pain that he would do this to himself. Phil is hit with a sudden wave of affection for this boy beneath him, this boy that he’s only really just met but already feels so connected to.

Dan had forgotten about his scars in the heat of the moment but feeling Phil's eyes on him he remembers. A sudden burst of shame fills Dan. He’s learnt to be ashamed and hide them and he doesn’t want Phil to think of him that way, as weak.

He can’t believe that he had forgotten, what must Phil think of him now?

Phil can feel Dan begin to squirm underneath his gaze and in an effort not to make the younger uncomfortable he looks away. Secure in the knowledge that if Dan wants to tell him then he will. Phil presses a kiss to Dan's hip and up across his stomach creating a trail back up to his eager mouth. Phil kisses Dan sweetly their lips lingering together as they both come down from their highs.

Phil managed to distract Dan from panicking. Dan never showed anyone his scars, and without Phil he would have spiraled even further into the past.

-

_Dan is sitting on his bed, the razor held between his fingers, hand shaking slightly. He’s never done this before. But he just wants to feel pain so bad. He just wants to feel anything, and pain is the most accessible right now. Everything is just so dark. The bully’s words cut like knives and eat away at him._

_So why not make it physical? He deserves it anyway, he’s just a disappointment to his family, he will never be what they want him to be, he can’t, he doesn’t have any friends, he’s not good enough he never will be._

_Dan brings the blade down against his thigh. Quickly running it across his skin, like if he doesn’t do it fast enough, he will lose his nerve. Dan looks down as the blood wells to the surface and he feels a quick sting of pain._

_It worked though. The air around Dan almost seemed to lift, and he felt the slightest bit more alive than he had in a long time._

_pain._

_He needs more. He brings the blade down again, this time harder, more confident in his actions and his intent. More blood begins to puddle in the cuts, now flowing much faster than before, and Dan can feel as it begins to trickle down his leg._

_Shit. Shit shit! That was too much._

_Dan starts to panic. What if he can’t stop the bleeding? He didn’t mean to cut that deep._

_Fuck. It’s not slowing down._

_Dan scrambles to grab some tissue to mop up the blood now running freely down his leg, the panic swelling in his chest. It’s so red, Dan doesn’t know why but he almost didn’t expect it to be so red._

_He manages to soak the worst of it up with tissue, it quickly becoming saturated with blood._

_Dan can feel his heart pounding in his chest, but it begins to calm as the blood flow starts to stop, and the panic begins to recede._

_Dan throws the blood-stained tissue in the bin, and carefully hides the razor in a book on his desk. He doesn’t intend to try that again anytime soon._

-

Dan tries to keep his mind off of what had happened earlier. Phil doesn’t ask about it, which Dan is grateful for, as much as he trusts Phil already, he’s not quite ready for that conversation yet.

He just wants to enjoy the remaining time he gets to spend here before he has to get the train back south.

Phil has Dan's scars in the back of his mind for the rest of the evening, as they make their way around the kitchen scrounging up food for dinner, when they settle down to watch a movie, as they stand side by side brushing their teeth in the bathroom sink. He doesn’t let it ruin the wonderful day they were having; he was just aware of it.

_-_

_Other than that, first time Dan doesn’t really remember cutting. He was so deep into his depression that he may as well not have been there, but there was definitely one other stand out moment._

_Dan was in his room again. He was always in his room nowadays; it was the only place where he could really hide from the world. His razor in his hand like it so often was these days. The last cuts were still recent and yet Dan still needed more to feel. He slashed the razor against his skin with practiced ease. Not even grimacing at the pain anymore. He got lost in the feeling of feeling something, mesmerised by the look of the blood trickling down his leg. The cuts were pretty deep this time. That doesn’t scare him like it used to, it just means that he feels it more._

_Dan feels the heavy bubble around him lessen just for a moment. The focus the pain gives him allowing him to escape the jaws of his own brain if only for a minute._

_He missed the sound of the front door unlocking and someone coming in. Too preoccupied with putting away the razor and grabbing some tissue to clean up. He missed the steps coming up the stairs._

_Dan felt his heart in his mouth as he heard the door handle turn and open revealing his mum._

_Fuck._

_“Daniel- “ his mother began only just seeing the blood running down her sons’ leg._

_“mum- I- it’s not what it looks like- “_

_His mum just stood there slightly gaping. Dan couldn’t believe this was happening. How could he have been so careless?_

_“Daniel what have you done!” his mother exclaims finally finding her words again_

_“it’s nothing mum- I’m fine- it’s fine” Dan tries to reassure her, hoping to make this whole situation better._

_Dan can feel his eyes start to well up and tears run down his face as the reality of the situation hits him._

_This looks bad, this looks so bad._

_He just needs his mum to go away so he can try to pull himself back together and clean himself up. He hadn’t managed to get the tissue before she came in, and so now as he stands caught the blood flows the whole length of his leg and has begun to soak into the top of his sock, staining it a deep red._

_He looks at her then and can see the conflict plain on her face; she has no idea what to do or how to deal with this situation._

_He feels the shame deep within himself. People aren’t supposed to do this to themselves. It makes people uncomfortable._

_The shame settled in then, nestled itself in among everything that Dan is, entwines with his being. And from that moment Dan made a silent promise to himself to never let anyone see this part of him again, don’t let them see you bleed._

—

When they go to bed that night Phil tucks himself behind Dan, pressing close against him, trying to convey how much he cares for him without actually saying it, he doesn’t want the younger to get scared.

Phil presses a kiss to the top of Dan's head, where his hair is beginning to curl, and whispers a soft goodnight.

And as they drift to sleep that night Dan feels safe wrapped up in Phil's arms, the warmth of another body helps to lull his normally overthinking mind to sleep.

He feels safe and he feels seen.

**Author's Note:**

> this story is really quite personal to me so thank you for reading <3
> 
> come say hi on tumblr if you want [@sarcasm-addiction](https://sarcasm-addiction.tumblr.com/)


End file.
